The prison commissary has increased the price of all stocked lubricants by 5000% after learning that Martin Shkreli would be ‘fresh fish’ in the next couple of days.
‘Pharma Bro’ Martin Shkreli was sentenced to seven years in prison for securities fraud and it sounds like he might have an extremely rough go at it in jail.
The prison commissary – where prisoners can buy snacks, toiletries, cigarettes and other odds and ends – hiked up lube prices by 5000% when they heard the news.
‘We don’t believe it’s predatory to do this. We can use the increase in profits to research what happens to the human asshole when it’s repeatedly violated without lubrication,’ said Terry ‘Ramrod’ Rodriquez.
Most prisoners simply won’t be able to afford lubricants at their new prices, and many will target Martin Shkreli as a result.
‘Lube is the lifeblood of any prison. If the supply dries up then there’s going to be a lot of friction around here and Martin Shkreli is the one who’ll pay,’ said one prisoner.
Shkreli has been warned to walk with his back against the wall at all times.